Search our Site:

sitemap

Site Established, funded & Maintained by G. Harrison Last Updated 06/06 Copyright  © 2001  Chorleys Angels built with Net Objects FusionSupported by

Web Hosting

Smile!

This web site or any of the links from it are not intended as a replacement for medical care.  To this end we are unable to offer any information regarding specific medical conditions/diagnosis.  Every effort has been made to make sure the info on this site is accurate CHORLEYS ANGELS can’t accept liability for any of the information supplied by the links on this site.  Chorleys Angels is not a charity, neither is it able to offer monetary assistance for visitors suffering financial hardship as a result of their diagnosis.

We all receive E-mails from time to time that make us smile! If you want to share a few with visitors to this site contact CHORLEYS ANGELS and I will add them to this site. CLEAN ONES PLEASE!  I will also apologise in advane to anyone who is offended in anyway by the content of this page.

Here’s a couple for starters - apologies to the writers of these verses, I received them over the E-mail, so I am not able to approach them to ask for their permission to reproduce them on this site.

Mammogram Practice Exercises

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the  exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be  totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do  these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast  between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on  the door for good measure. Hold that position for 5 seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.  You are now totally prepared.

Just a thought for all the women out there....

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramp

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

Ever notice how all  of women's problems start with men?....and when we have real  trouble, it's HYSterectomy!

“NEW DIET”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help
women cope with the stress that builds up during the
day:

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
cup herbal tea
1 miniature Mars bar

AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the mini Mars bars in the bag
tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"

MAMMOGRAM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
and I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal;
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenceless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

”There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down;
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his bits in there,
and see how THEY come out.